Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
