Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
