i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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