eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
