when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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