Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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