hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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