Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
