3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just invented taco cereal.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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