remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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