I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize