i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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