you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
