I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
