just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
