I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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