Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
