I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
