my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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