my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
