Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
