The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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