I could make wine with my vomit
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
