Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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