Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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