I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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