I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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