I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
