2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
