The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
