I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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