Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
