ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
