Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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