saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just found puke in my bra..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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