The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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