I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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