i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
