Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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