Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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