I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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