It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
