I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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