I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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