You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
