Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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