My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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