I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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