oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
