If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
