his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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