You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
