11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
