I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
