So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
