Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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